


Formidable Love

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, First Kiss, First Time, Kind of smut, M/M, Major Character Injury, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-12 06:38:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12953490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: His whole body felt electric, on fire, yet calm. As if this whole situation was the most natural, destined thing to ever occur. A thought shot through his head.Was it possible?





	1. The Unsayable

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tobeconspicuous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobeconspicuous/gifts).



> Hello friends, welcome to my soulmate AU.
> 
> First of all, tobeconspicuous. Thank you so much for convincing me to write this AU (not that it took much convincing). This has been overwhelming, yet so much fun to write. This work is entirely for you.
> 
> Secondly, as always, thanks to ChameleonCircuit for letting me spam you with all of my ramblings. You put up with so much of me sending you the same fic over and over with the tiniest adjustments, and I thank you for that.
> 
> Lastly, I hope my lovely readers enjoy this. Please remember to leave kudos and comments to demonstrate your emotions to me!

Rafael Barba didn't like half-assing things. Not with his career, not with his hobbies, and certainly not with his relationships. His personality wouldn't allow for putting only part of himself into something. Instead he would throw his heart entirely into whatever it desired.

Which was why it was odd that he hated the concept of the Soul Mark.

The idea that God or fate or whatever, had control over who he would end up with, left a bitter taste in his mouth. He may never meet his soulmate. He may meet his soulmate, but he might not be theirs. He may meet his soulmate but already be in a relationship, and he never wanted to make that decision.

The worst possibility however?

That Sonny Carisi was not his soulmate.

 

They had been on two half-dates. For a man who hated doing things in halves, it was driving him crazy.

The first date could barely be considered one, especially the way Sonny had asked him. Bumbling and stumbling over the question, until Rafael finally cut him off and agreed to lunch.

Everything had been quite sweet, until Sonny had been called in to the precinct. They had left each other on an awkward handshake, and Rafael was completely smitten.

The second date had been much more official. Rafael had booked a nice restaurant, they had worn nice suits, and settled in for an incredibly nice evening.

Then, like a curse, Sonny had been called to a crime scene.

This time when they parted ways, it had been with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and a lingering gaze that promised more next time.

 

And here they were.

Next time.

Rafael had invited Sonny to his apartment, with the intention of cooking a lovely meal. Good intentions didn't exactly result in the most edible of meals, which is how they found themselves on Rafael's couch eating burgers and fries, drinking beer. Rafael would normally turn his nose up at the idea of spending a date like that, but something about Sonny made it seem natural. Comfortable.

The conversation had been moving smoothly, and Rafael noticed Sonny was inching closer every so often, closing the space hesitantly. 

“You wouldn't believe how many soulmates my sister, Gina, has had. I knew it was possible to have more than one, but she's in the double digits.” Rafael wasn't sure how the conversation had drifted into soulmate territory, and he certainly wasn't okay with it. “Have you- I mean- are you-”

Rafael rolled his eyes. On anyone else, it would be infuriating. The ears blushed pink, the averted gaze... on Sonny, however, he found the nervousness endearing

“Have I met my soulmate?” Sonny nodded, a hopeful glint in his eyes as he brought his gaze to Rafael’s. “No. Though I’m okay with that.”

Confusion. Pain. Understanding. Rafael marvelled at how Sonny was able to pass through so many emotions in two seconds.

“Any particular reason?”

“Just don't like the idea that something has that much control over me. I've always made my own decisions, and I'd like to think I can decide on my partner as much as I could my career.”

A half-truth.

If his soulmate was Sonny, he would give over every semblance of control to fate.

"You? Wanting control? Shocking," he laughed as Rafael playfully shoved him. “Nah, I get that. Some days I’m not even sure if I believe in them.”

Rafael wasn’t sure what he expected, but it certainly wasn’t that. Sonny Carisi, the good Catholic, the advocate for unheard victims, not believing in soulmates?

“Really?” He hoped his voice didn’t betray his shock.

“With what we see, I guess I struggle to believe that soulmates are good, or necessary.” Rafael nodded. He understood that. Soul Marks could only be visible by the other person, making it difficult when a rapist claimed they saw their victims Soul Mark, spouting their uncontrollable desires as if that justified their assault. “I mean, my parents are soulmates. So I know it’s possible. But I’ve just always had a feeling I wasn’t meant for it. And I’m okay with that.”

Rafael was suddenly hyper-aware of Sonny’s arm on the back of the couch. Behind his back,  _ almost _ touching. The room filled with an unspoken tension.

His heart was pounding.

He leaned in.

Sonny also did.

Their noses brushed each other in the most tender way, before they closed the gap in a soft kiss.

Rafael had wondered what it would be like to kiss Sonny, ever since he had met him. The moustache, although hideous, drew his eyes to the beauty underneath. They had plagued him, haunted his dreams and daydreams, a constant distraction.

In the moment, Rafael was torn between letting himself go, and forcing himself to remember.

They pulled away and Rafael took a moment to gaze into Sonny's eyes. He'd never believed someone could lose themselves in another's eyes, but those baby blues hypnotised him.

Then before he could process it, Sonny was kissing him fervidly, his hand on the back of Rafael's neck, pulling him closer. He then climbed on top of Rafael, straddling him, pushing his lips further against his own.

He had expected sweet, chaste kisses from the younger man. He had not expected sweeping, sensual passion.

Sonny placed a hand on Rafael's chest and pushed himself off a little. They both breathed in a shared, shuddering breath. Rafael looked up at this beautiful, giving man towering over him, and his heart swelled. Sure, Sonny normally had his heart racing. But this was different. His whole body felt electric, on fire, yet calm. As if this whole situation was the most natural, destined thing to ever occur. A thought shot through his head.

Was it possible?

Sonny toyed with the top button of Rafael's shirt.

“Can I?” His breath ghosted over Rafael's lips, and all he could do was nod as he grabbed the back of Sonny's neck and yanked his lips to his own.

Sonny was furiously undoing Rafael's shirt, while still taking extra care not to ruin it.

When it was finally undone, open, Sonny leaned back. Admiration filled his gaze, and Rafael had never felt so gorgeous and so right. He placed a hand softly on the side of Rafael's neck, drawing small circles with his thumb.

“Should we slow down?”

Rafael swallowed thickly.

“Do you want to?”

Sonny gave a shy smile, shaking his head.

“No, but if you-”

On that, Rafael pulled his head down, pressing their lips together. Once again, his whole body erupted in desire and pleasure. A warm, yet biting feeling. It was so amazing Rafael felt he could almost cry.

Sonny's lips left his own, and he tried to follow them, only for Sonny to duck his head. He started kissing Rafael's neck where his hand had previously been.

Rafael slipped his hands under Sonny's Henley, running them up to his ribs, relishing in the softness of his skin. Soft, yet toned. Tender, yet strong. So unbelievably Sonny.

In one smooth movement, he lifted the offending clothing off of Sonny. He was ready to work Sonny with his mouth. Ready to tease and seduce with lips and tongue. Instead, he froze.

Right over Sonny's heart… it couldn't be. 

 

When Rafael was twelve years old, he strolled through a local park with his Abuelita. 

“Rafi, look at that tree over there.” He followed her eyeline, spotting the tree she was talking about. “The Jacaranda tree. Say it with me.”

“I can say Jacaranda.”

She smiled sweetly, as she did whenever he gave her cheek.

“This tree… this is our tree. Whenever you see a Jacaranda tree, I want you to think of me. I will never leave you, as long as you remember that.”

Rafael didn't understand at the time. Didn't understand how much that would mean to him.

 

Lavender blue petals cascading down Sonny's chest. That was the first thing he noticed. Then the branches, filled with the beautiful purple flowers. He reached a hand out, touching the heart of the tree. Fitting that it was right above Sonny's heart.

Surely he had this already. That it was a tattoo he had gotten in his youth. 

Not a chance.

The overwhelming, almost unnatural heat, surging through his body told him the truth.

It had to be.

Sonny was Rafael's soulmate.


	2. With Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His body felt feverish, his thoughts were running wild, and all he wanted to do was tell Sonny. But something was stopping him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These first two chapters are much shorter than the others are going to be, but it was necessary to split them up.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy!

One. Two. Three gulps of air. His hand still over Sonny's chest.

“Raf? You still there?”

He lifted his eyes to Sonny's curious stare.

Sonny had seen him first. Bare-chested. Soul Mark's were always around the chest. His heart pounded. Had Sonny seen his Mark?

In lieu of an answer, he brought him down for another kiss. His body felt feverish, his thoughts were running wild, and all he wanted to do was tell Sonny. But something was stopping him. 

Sonny would have said something.

Surely.

He would have at least shown some indicator that he was his soulmate.

Suddenly Sonny was climbing off him, and offering a hand.

Rafael glanced to it.

Once they took this step, if he wasn't Sonny's soulmate, what would he do? What  _ could _ he do?

His thoughts were put on hold by a movement. Sonny, undoing the top of his jeans, stepping slowly towards the bedroom.

“You just gonna sit there, Counselor? Or am I gonna have to start without you?”

The future be damned. He couldn't resist that beautiful face. 

 

Sweat coated his body. Pleasure filled every one of his senses, to the point it was overwhelming. He had never felt like this. Never felt so alive, and connected, and whole. Sonny knew every spot to touch, every place that had Rafael writhing in pure bliss. With Sonny on top of him, pushing into him, Rafael felt the most right he’d ever felt in his life.

They came together with a surge of heat, a powerful kiss, and a connected moan.

Rafael saw stars and Sonny, the two merging into the most beautiful picture of perfection.

 

Of course the moment they collapsed next to each other, holding each other, Rafael’s heart began to pound. Not out of happiness, or physical exertion. An anxious, sickening pounding.

Sonny was sprawled across him, planting lazy, sweet kisses to the side of Rafael’s neck. He could see the edges of Sonny’s Mark, the splashes of purple standing out perfectly against Sonny’s skin. Scratches and love bites surrounded the Mark, from where Rafael had been swept up in the moment.

Rafael wanted to tell him. He could have. He could have easily turned his head and whispered into Sonny’s hair.

_ ‘You are mine.’ _

But then he would have had to follow it up with the heart-breaking truth. 

_ ‘I am not yours.’ _

He couldn’t bring himself to say the words out loud. The sickening feeling was reaching his throat, threatening to spill over in either tears or vomit or anger. Anger that the one thing he’d convinced himself he didn’t want, or need, was lying right here next to him, and he couldn’t have it.

Because he truly couldn’t.

He couldn’t do that to Sonny.

Sonny deserved to meet a sweet guy, or girl, who he could see every part of. Who he could reach out and touch, and know they were branded with his love.

He deserved someone that wasn’t Rafael.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Sonny mumbled against his chest.

He could kick Sonny out. Say he had an early start and needed his beauty sleep.

He could somehow be the one to go. Make up some poor excuse as to why he needed to leave his own apartment.

Instead, he selfishly pulled Sonny closer.

“I'm just happy.”

Sonny placed a tender kiss to the side of Rafael's neck. His heart leapt, and his blood ran warm, and he couldn't even enjoy it.

So instead he kissed the top of Sonny's head and fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

 

When the cold light of the early morning woke him, Rafael had made a decision.

He quietly rose out of bed, and made his way to the bathroom.

The scalding hot shower reminded him of his pain, present and future. 

After he was done, he wiped some of the condensation off the mirror, searching his own eyes for the answer. Instead, all he received was more doubt.

He needed to do this. He needed to free Sonny.

By the time he tiptoed back into the bedroom, Sonny was lazily opening his eyes.

“Rafi. Up already?” he murmured.

His eyebrows raised high at the nickname, though he couldn't bring himself to say anything. It was probably going to be the only time he heard the name from the detective, and it sounded so beautiful, and it  _ hurt _ that he had to do this.

“Couldn't sleep.”

He sat on the edge of the bed.

Sonny eyed the towel loosely wrapped around Rafael's hips.

“Next time, wake me. I'd love to see you all wet and steamy-”

“Carisi, listen…” he cut him off, even though he desperately wanted to hear what Sonny had to say.

Instantly Sonny's face fell. Maybe he'd been expecting this. Expecting Rafael to back away, or close off.

“What's up?” His voice was cold and it sliced through Rafael.

“I don't think there should be a next time.”

Sonny sat up, running his hands over his face.

“Wow. Okay. Couldn't have decided that before we slept together?”

Rafael flinched. He knew this would be hard. He didn't know it would be  _ this  _ hard.

“I thought maybe… I didn't really know what I wanted until this morning.”

The lie felt like poison on his lips.

He wanted to scream the truth, but his own bare chest was a reminder that this was the right thing.

Sonny could spend the rest of his life hating him, if it meant he was free to be with his soulmate.

“You don’t know,” he scoffed on a whisper.

Rafael's eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“I'm sorry?”

“Nevermind,” Sonny huffed, removing himself stiffly from the bed. If Rafael hadn’t been purposefully ignoring the Mark, he would've noticed that a few of the heavenly petals had begun to fall. 

Sonny silently pulled his clothes on, avoiding Rafael's piercing gaze.

As he made to leave, he stopped in the doorway, his back turned to Rafael.

All he wanted to do was reach out and pull the younger man back. To hold him, and soothe him, and reassure him.

“Are you sure?” Sonny whispered, just loud enough for him to hear.

Rafael swallowed down the truth.

“I am.”

When the front door slammed shut, Rafael placed a hand over his cold, broken heart and prayed time would heal it.


	3. Frightening Malaise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He would tell Sonny that he was Rafael's soulmate, and he would leave the decision up to Sonny. Something he should have done from the start. He cursed himself for keeping the choice out of Sonny's grasp.

There were two things Rafael was counting on to get him through this.

His own willpower, and his ability to block out his emotions on command. The combination should have resulted in Rafael feeling a certain numb apathy towards the situation.

However, there had been something he hadn't considered.

The Effects.

Not everyone experienced them, but those who did described it similarly.

A constant nausea. A kind of cold that was felt to the bones. A pounding headache that never seemed to leave.

One week later, he was sure he was experiencing the Effects. And he  _ hated  _ it.

He hated that, on top of letting Sonny go, he had to have a constant reminder of it. A constant reminder of the physical and emotional distance he had placed between himself and his soulmate.

Especially now.

It had been twenty minutes since Liv had called.

Twenty minutes since she had let him know there were some forms heading his way.

Forms being transported and delivered by none other than Sonny, even though it was late.

Sonny had been avoiding him like the plague. If he entered the squad room, he'd catch a glimpse of Sonny's retreating form. They hadn't been in any interviews or briefings together all week. Part of Rafael was glad that he didn't have to witness just how much he'd hurt him. Another part longed to throw all self-preservation out the window, fall to his knees, and beg Sonny for forgiveness.

With Sonny’s arrival pending, he felt another wave of nausea course through his body. He checked his watch. He considered running to the bathroom and forcing a tactical vomit, an attempt to alleviate some of the churning in his stomach.

A knock at the door told him it was too late.

He straightened his back and brought his gaze to the paperwork in front of him. The letters all merged into one, but he made a mental note to focus on them as much as possible during the encounter.

“Come in,” he called out, schooling his expression to one of indifference.

As the door opened, he managed to lose one of the things he was counting on. His willpower.

His eyes instantly glanced up to find his soulmate. 

Warmth. That was the first thing he felt course through his body, melting the ice in his veins and blood. 

Settling. His stomach stopped tumbling, the bile that had been creeping upwards had dissipated.

Calm. Everything that had been on edge and tense, now relaxed, from the moment he had locked eyes with those crystal blue beauties.

He let out a grateful breath.

“Got those forms you needed.”

His voice was harsh.

Rafael felt anxious once again, but for an entirely different reason.

“Thank you… Sonny.”

The detective's eyes narrowed, scanning Rafael's face for some ulterior motive. They then raked over Rafael's body, and he swore they hesitated over his lips for a moment, before meeting his gaze once again.

Rafael prayed his eyes offered enough of an apology.

“Right. Well…” he trailed off as a goodbye, stepping through the door once again.

Even as he turned away, Rafael felt an icy prickling around his throat, an indicator of the Effects taking a hold once again.

“Sonny, wait.”

He didn't expect Sonny to stop. He didn't believe he deserved it.

He should have known Sonny would surprise him. He'd been doing it since they first met.

“Anything else, Counselor?”

Rafael swallowed. He could tell the truth. The God's honest truth.

“I- stay for a drink?”

His heart screamed at the offer. Chastised him for his weakness.

Sonny seemed ready to refuse the offer. His jaw was clenched as he took in a deep breath. Then it softened. He softened.

“Sure.”

He dropped onto the couch and waited for Rafael to snap out of his frozen state. He truly hadn't expected Sonny to stay. Maybe he wanted an explanation. Maybe he wanted to drown his pain in free alcohol. Rafael couldn't tell, but he was grateful, particularly as the warmth settled comfortably through his body. It was as if he was home.

He poured two glasses of scotch out, a generous three fingers in each. He knew they both needed it.

Sitting on the lounge next to Sonny felt sickeningly familiar. The legs almost touching, the slight lean towards each other. Only this time, the tension between them was not one filled with excitement. There was an air of dread and regret and confusion.

Sonny loosened his tie a little and sipped a small amount of the burning liquid. As he did, Rafael spotted it. The edge of offending Mark that had ruined it all. The office was lit only with a lamp on Rafael's desk. If it had been any brighter, if he had lingered on it any longer, he would have noticed how dull and lifeless the Mark had become. How the leaves had fallen and drifted into nothingness, aside from a few clinging on. A reflection of Sonny's pain.

Instead he threw back some of his own drink, and wallowed in his own pain for a moment.

 

“You should have done it that night.”

Rafael couldn't bring himself to meet Sonny's eyes.

“I know.”

He did know. It would have been easier to kick Sonny out, for the both of them.

“I could have handled it.” Rafael simply nodded. “I know it's not like we were anything official, but you've gotta understand why I was- why I'm not okay.”

Rafael nodded again.

“I understand. Carisi, I-” he cut himself off.

There was nothing to say.

Well, there was one thing.

He couldn't though.

“Do you…” Sonny trailed off, staring into his glass.

“Some day we'll know how to finish those sentences.”

With that, Sonny laughed.

_ God, _ he had missed that laugh. Once again, a surge of warmth spread throughout his body.

The room fell silent after a moment. 

“I didn't want to hurt you.”

That was a good enough start. A step towards an apology. It wasn't enough. It would never be enough. But if Rafael couldn't have all of Sonny, he could at least have part of him. A friendship seemed a solid place to work towards. It wasn't just that the sight and presence of Sonny made him feel whole. It was that Sonny seemed to want him around.

“You did though.” Rafael deserved the bitterness in his voice. “If you just wanted sex, you should have-”

“I didn't.” He turned to face Sonny, imploring the detective to meet his gaze. He needed him to understand at least part of the truth. “It wasn't just that. It could never be just that with you.”

Finally Sonny lifted his eyes to look into Rafael's own. They were unbearably close now. Rafael glanced down to see a solitary purple flower, just visible above Sonny's shirt. Before he could stop himself, he leaned in and planted a tentative kiss on Sonny's lips.

At first he responded similarly. Hesitant but wanting. 

His body was on fire with pleasure. It was almost enough to make him forget about everything keeping them apart. 

Sonny lifted a hand to the back of Rafael's neck, his thumb softly stroking the side.

Just as Rafael was about to rest his hand on Sonny's leg, he was being pushed away. Sonny shot up off the couch, running his hands through his hair.

“Christ, Barba. You can't do that.”

Rafael swallowed, staring at the spot Sonny had been sitting five seconds beforehand.

“I- I'm-”

“You can't screw me around like this.” His voice was shaking now. “Not when- you just can't.”

Rafael cleared his throat. 

“That wasn't my intention.”

Sonny barked a lifeless laugh.

“Intentional or not, that was pretty fucked up. You can't just want me one second, then not want me the next.”

_ I do want you. _

He wanted tell him.

_ I want all of you. _

He had to tell him.

_ I need you. _

He took a deep breath.

This was it.

He would tell Sonny that he was Rafael's soulmate, and he would leave the decision up to Sonny. Something he should have done from the start. He cursed himself for keeping the choice out of Sonny's grasp.

He opened his mouth.

“No, don't. I don't wanna hear whatever excuse you're about to give me. I deserve better than that.”

And without another word, Sonny left his near-full glass behind, and stormed out of the office.

An icy chill flooded the room, and a headache began to creep into Rafael's mind, but nothing compared to the shattering of Rafael's heart.

 

The bar had cheap liquor, a wild atmosphere, and blaring music. All the solid makings of a place to drown out his anguish.

He should have said something.  _ Anything. _ He should have ran out the door after Sonny, begging him to listen to his explanation. He should never have kissed him. He should never have let him go.

Regret was a funny thing.

His heart was aching, yet he had some kind of clarity in his mind.

Or maybe that was just the alcohol.

If he had been less intoxicated, he would have felt his phone vibrating. On and off for the final hour of his late night wallowing.

When he finally left the bar at 2am, he allowed himself a glance to his phone.

His heart rate sped up.

His hands started shaking.

Before he could stop himself, the bile rose to the back of his throat, and he proceeded to vomit all over the sidewalk.

“No,” he sobbed out quietly as he booked an Uber.

There was that other thing he'd been counting on. His ability, well-practiced over time, to block out his emotions. It was entirely useless in this unfamiliar situation.

When he finally stumbled into the car, he allowed himself another glance at the most recent message. He didn't even try and stop the tears spilling from his eyes.

_ Lennox Hill hosp.  _

_ Carisi was in an accident. _

_ Still not awake. _


	4. Cast Me A Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Broken. Cracked. The smallest amount of flowers still left. Rafael felt sick. The accident had clearly not only broken Sonny's body, but his soul too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, we're done! This is potentially a hot mess, but as I always say, it's my trash and I love it.
> 
> Many thanks to ChameleonCircuit for her continued support, in the form of letting me spam her constantly with my woes.
> 
> And of course, thank you to tobeconspicuous for convincing me to write this. It was a wild ride of angst, and I hope you enjoy this final chapter.

By the time Rafael reached the hospital floor Sonny was on, his panic was working overtime. Partly due to the situation, partly due to being still completely drunk.

Familiar figures let him know he was in the right place.

“Barba, you made it,” Amanda called out, waving him over. “Christ, you alright?”

He realised how he must have looked. Sweaty, wild-eyed, utterly unkempt.

“Is he awake?”

All three detectives winced with pity.

“No. They assure us he'll be alright, but…” Liv trailed off.

That told him all he needed to know.

Bile threatened to rise once again.

“Barba, you don't look so hot,” Fin drawled. All Rafael could do was scoff.

“Guys, we're gonna go get some coffee.”

Liv's voice was soft, but controlled. She gently tugged on his elbow, leading him down the hall.

 

He blinked and found himself in the hospital cafe, bitter coffee in hand.

Clearly he was drunker than he thought. Or he was just in more turmoil than he thought.

“Rafa… what happened?”

He glanced to Liv and instantly regretted it. The pity punched him in the gut.

“I dunno if you’d believe me,” he slurred, sipping the coffee. “Better question, what happened to- to Carisi?”

Liv sighed, shaking her head.

“Car chase gone wrong. Perp came back to the crime scene, managed to get away in a stolen car. He tried going after them in a squad car, skidded off the road. Straight into a tree.”

Rafael felt the familiar prickle of tears. He blinked them away. These tears were not for Liv to see.

“Of all the things,” he muttered. “What did the doctors say?”

She sipped her own coffee, shrugging.

“Some broken bones. Definitely a concussion. They’re waiting for him to properly wake up so they can check for memory loss.”

Rafael let the information settle in, the alcohol slowing the process significantly. Then it hit him.

“What do you mean ‘properly’ wake up?”

“Well, uh… He woke up for a moment as he was brought in.” She gave him a probing look, as if she was searching for an answer to an unspoken question. “He said something interesting.”

“What?”

Liv gave a pitying half-smile.

“He said ‘Rafi.’”

 

A gentle touch on his shoulder brought him from his slumber. His neck ached from the angle he’d been resting his head.

“Rafa,” a voice whispered. He opened his eyes to see three pairs of relieved eyes. “He’s awake.”

Instantly he leapt out of the uncomfortable waiting room chair.

“The doctors?”

“Said he’s got no memory loss,” Fin assured him. “The pain meds have got him all loopy. He, uh…” He looked to the other detectives for support.

“He said your name. Again.”

Rafael’s heart stopped at Amanda’s words. He wasn’t ready for this. He couldn’t bear it. It wasn’t facing Sonny that was the problem. It was facing him while he was so  _ broken _ , and he couldn’t do a damn thing to help.

“Maybe I should-”

“Rafael.” Olivia’s bluntness cut him off. “You didn’t come all the way here, wait all this time, or buy those, just to back out now.” She gestured to his hand. He had almost forgotten the flowers he’d bought for Sonny, a token of well wishes and apologies. Daisies, from the hospital gift shop. He remembered them bringing the slightest of smiles to his face, sending the smallest tingling of warmth through his body.

Then he remembered where he was. And who he was with. And why he was here. And the familiar ice cold feeling chilled down his spine.

And all he wanted to do was comfort Sonny somehow.

He gave the squad one last look, a plea for good luck. Their tight-lipped smiles offered the small reassurance.

It was time.

He knocked on the door.

“Come in,” a voice croaked, sounding entirely not like the Sonny he knew and loved.

He pushed the door open, stepping slowly through.

“Ra- Barba? You're here?”

His words were slurred slightly, though nowhere near as bad as Fin had made it seem. He felt a comforting wave of heat wash through him.

Rafael gestured to Sonny's body, while also properly taking in the injuries. His right arm was in a sling, clearly broken, and gauze was covering the right side of his forehead. His ribs were wrapped in bandages, and Rafael was forced to look at something he was sure he'd never see again. Sonny's Mark.

Broken. Cracked. The smallest amount of flowers still left. Rafael felt sick. The accident had clearly not only broken Sonny's body, but his soul too.

Sonny's expectant gaze reminded him he hadn't responded.

“Rollins texted me. You were hurt.”

Bitterness flashed across Sonny's face.

“You didn't have to come,” he muttered, his eyes fixating on his own hands instead of meeting Rafael's stare.

This wouldn't do. 

“I wanted to. I  _ needed  _ to.” 

Sonny scoffed.

“Yeah, right. Well, I'm okay, so you don't have to stay out of some misplaced guilt or-”

“Sonny, I don't think you understand.” He took a deep breath, then lifted the flowers to his chest, the white beauties brushing his neck. “There have been things I couldn't say. Things that I couldn't  _ allow _ myself to say.”

Sonny's eyes widened at the sight of the flowers, and if Rafael hadn't been so swept up in his own nerves, he would have noticed something beautiful. Purple petals, slowly blooming across Sonny's chest. Repairing and growing, becoming whole once again.

“Raf, I-”

“No, I need to say this. You deserve the truth.” He swallowed thickly, his head fuzzy with warmth and the leftover haze of alcohol and adrenaline. “The reason I kicked you out is because you are… you're my soulmate. You are. I saw your Mark that night, and I was overwhelmed with how perfect it was that you, Sonny, were my soulmate.”

“Raf, you-”

“Please, Sonny. Let me say this,” he pleaded. “I've been holding back for too long.” Sonny simply nodded slightly, a nervous smile creeping in. “All I had wanted since I met you, was this. You, marked with my love. But the truth of it all… it was too much.”

Rafael cursed his eyes for their betrayal, as tears began to well. He blinked them back, praying he could get through this without crying.

“The truth?” Sonny's voice was gentle, and loving, and it hurt even more that he had to face this horrible situation.

“That I wasn't yours.” It was barely a whisper, and he couldn't meet Sonny's eyes, so instead he placed all his pain and heartache into glaring at the flowers he'd bought. A stupid decision in hindsight.

The silence was thick and Rafael was overcome with the urge to dump the daisies and storm out, rather than face the inevitable rejection from Sonny.

“You're an idiot.”

And there it was.

He placed the flowers on the edge of the bed.

“Right. Well, I'll just-”

“No, Rafi. You're an  _ idiot. _ ”

A surge of anger brought his eyes to meet Sonny's. Sure, he should have said something. But this was cruel, reminding him of his own stupidity.

“Well, Carisi, rest assured that I will not be pursuing you any longer. I'll forget about this, as long as-”

“You're mine.”

Only then did Rafael really  _ look  _ at Sonny. Only then did he see something he hadn't been expecting.

Hope.

“I'm what?”

“Rafael, you've always been mine. I saw your Mark. But you're a damn idiot. You were the one who told me you didn't want to meet your soulmate.”

Rafael flung his thoughts back to that fateful night, only to realise Sonny was right.

“Oh god.”

“Yeah. So I wasn't about to drop that you were mine. And then we have sex, and it's the greatest I've ever had, and the next morning you're kicking me out. And you never said anything, so I figured I wasn't yours.”

Rafael's heart was pounding and leaping.

“Oh my god.”

“You're a damn idiot. If you'd just said-”

“You could have said something.”

Sonny rolled his eyes with not a hint of malice in the action.

“Alright, we were both idiots,” he compromised.

Rafael dropped into the chair close to Sonny's bed. He hesitantly reached out to Sonny's free hand, linking their fingers.

“I can't believe this,” he whispered, his eyes raking over the healed Mark, filled with love. “I didn't think-”

“That you deserved this?”

Sonny's beautiful blue eyes were shining with tears. He was right. He didn't think he deserved this kind of happiness.

“Yeah.”

A gentle squeeze of his hand sent pure love through his system.

“What do you see?”

Of course. The question that reminded him of how right this was. How destined it had been.

“A tree- a Jacaranda tree. With purple flowers.” He huffed out a laugh. “Purple was always my favourite colour.”

An entirely different expression appeared on Sonny's face. It was almost anger.

“You’ve gotta be joking.”

A flood of anxiety went through him. Something was wrong.

“What?”

“Jeez, a giant purple tree? That's-” he stopped, and burst out laughing. “Ow, damn. That's the tree I hit. With my car.”

Rafael's eyes widened.

“What? Are you serious?”

“That's a subtle way for the universe to kick us into communicating, I guess. Breaking three of my ribs and knocking me out for a couple of hours.”

Rafael couldn't help but laugh, even though the discovery was entirely not funny.

“I'm sorry- I'm sorry, if I'd just said-”

“Your way was much more subtle.” Sonny gestured to the flowers on the bed.

“What do you mean?”

Sonny's hand left Rafael's own, brushing over his neck. A shiver ran down his spine.

“A single daisy,” he whispered. “The stem starts at your heart, but the flower is here.” He stroked his neck softly.

Rafael swallowed, and turned his head slightly towards Sonny's hand. He softly pressed his lips against the palm.

Disbelief still flooded his body, but there was something else there too. 

Warm comfort.

With Sonny's hand tenderly holding him, Rafael reached out and gently placed his own hand over Sonny's Mark.

Overwhelming, caressing warmth coursed through their bodies.

Shared love, bringing their hearts together.

Their souls were home.


End file.
